Self-Respect As Your Operating System with Kirana Sidin

Something can be going right on the outside and still feel off on the inside. That gap is what we explore through a deceptively simple idea: self-respect is not just confidence or self-esteem, it is the operating system running quietly beneath your decisions, your boundaries, and the life you are building. 

I sit down with author, writer, and speaker Kirana Sidin, the Amazon number one bestselling author of Cheers for a Good Life, to unpack what self-respect actually looks like in real life. We talk about the small moments that reveal everything: saying yes when you mean no, tolerating behaviour you already know is not okay, chasing approval, and staying in situations that make you feel smaller. Kirana explains why success can feel fragile when your inner foundation is weak, even if you seem put together, productive, and clear on your goals. 

We also get practical about how to rebuild self-respect without trying to reinvent your whole life overnight. We discuss how to notice the patterns you repeatedly tolerate, how to make choices aligned with your values even when it feels uncomfortable, and why learning to tolerate someone else’s disappointment can be a sign of emotional maturity. If you want healthier relationships, stronger boundaries, sustainable personal growth, and a more meaningful life, this conversation gives you a clear starting point. 

If it resonates, subscribe, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What is one “yes” you want to turn into a clean “no” this week?

Transcript

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What We Are Missing Underneath

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Dear listeners, there's something that we don't talk about enough. We build in our lives around confidence, productivity, relationships, success, and we read the books, listen to the podcast, set the goals, and yet so many of us still feel like something fundamental is missing. So not broken, just missing. Like we are running software on a faulty hardware. So the question comes is what if the thing we are overlooking is not another strategy or skill, but the operating system itself? What if everything we want in life depends on something quite a deeper and far more fun uh counter foundational than we have been led to believe? Yeah. So hey dear listeners, I'm your host, Abek, and you are listening to Mindmate's Machine, where we explore the deeper currents beneath the personal growth, technology, and what it means to live with intention. This is a space for unhurried conversation about the things that actually matter. And dear listeners, today we have a very lovely guest. Please welcome Kirana Siddin. Welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Thank you so much, Abbey, for having me. I'm truly honored to be on your show, and I can wait to have a wonderful conversation with you. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

Amazing. Thank you so much, Kirana, for being here. And uh I'll say I'll say uh dear listeners, like before we get into the discussion, I'll quickly introduce you with Kirana. So she's the author of the Amazon number one bestseller, Cheers for a Good Life, a writer, and a speaker who explores self-respect purpose and what it truly means to build, not find, a meaningful life. Yes. So I do not want to take much of your time with lessons. Let's get started. So, Kirana,

Self-Respect As An Operating System

SPEAKER_01 1:45

like most people, they think self-respect is just about standing up for yourself or feeling good about who you are. But you call it an operating system. So, what are we getting wrong when we think about self-respect?

SPEAKER_00 2:02

Yeah. So, yeah, most people think self-respect respect is just another personal quality, right? Like confidence or high self-esteem. I think I see it differently, okay? I think self-respect is an operating system. Because I don't see it as just another personal quality. I think it quietly runs underneath almost everything we do. That's why I'm telling it operating system. Because, like an operating system, we we rarely notice, we really notice it when it's working well, okay? But every decision we make, every boundary we set, every relationship we build, and ultimately every life we create runs through it. That's why I'm telling it it's like operating system. When that operating system is healthy, it influences how the other part of our life function, right? Purpose becomes easier to act on because we're willing to make a choice that are aligned with what matters to us. And then relationship becomes healthier because we can care for others without constantly abandoning ourselves, okay? And then a growth becomes more sustainable because we're growing from a place of self-respect rather than constantly trying to fix ourselves, right? But when self-respect itself is weak, even success, I think, can feel surprisingly fragile. And I think that's what makes self-respect so interesting to me. We can have confidence, we can be successful, and then we can be productive, we can have every clear sense of purpose. But if underneath all of that we're like constantly betraying our own values and then tolerating things we know aren't good for us or living like primarily uh for others' people's approval, something evenly starts to fill off. Okay, so when I say self-respect is an operating system, I'm saying it's not just one part of a good life, it quietly influences how all of the partners are function. Okay, so I think why I'm telling you the self-respect is an operating system. Okay, so yeah, this is basically how we will like make our life all together and then like the other life will the other function will will work for you. Yes. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

And if I if I also say like, so if self-respect is not just the confidence or the self-esteem, then what is it actually doing in the background of our lives?

What Self-Respect Looks Like Daily

SPEAKER_00 4:52

Yeah, so yeah, because like in in the real life, right? What does uh I think yeah, there is this is where self-respect becomes really interesting because it rarely looks dramatic, okay? It can be something as simple as saying no to something we don't actually have the capacity for, okay? And then it can mean living a conversation instead of staying somewhere or being constantly disrespected. Yeah, that's like in the real life. And then it can mean going to bed instead of answering one more email because we know we can recognize that our body is not an unlimited resource, right? Or it can mean having a difficult conversation we've been avoiding all of all of the years, okay? Like it can also mean admitting that we're wrong. So self-respect isn't always about standing up for ourselves in some dramatic way, okay? Sometimes it's about being honest with ourselves. That's for me, self-respect too. And I think that's harder than it sounds because we're often very good at rationalizing choices that we already know aren't right for us, okay? We of we often like say it's fine. We say, yeah, it's only happened this once, okay? Or we or we say like I can deal with it. Yeah, and sometimes self-respect is simply having the courage to stop lying to ourselves about what something is costing us, and then yeah. So I think that's self-respect in only the daily choice and daily day. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:31

I agree. I mean, it reframes changes everything. Because it's not about feeling good in the moment, but it is all about like the infrastructure that holds everything else together. So and and like you have written also the that the the quality of our lives really rises above the quality of our self-respect. So it is definitely a bold statement, but what does the low respect actually look like in someone's day-to-day existence?

Signs Of Low Self-Respect

SPEAKER_01 7:05

Like even when they seem to have it together on the outside.

SPEAKER_00 7:09

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I think one of the clearest signs of low self-respect, yeah, is when we repeatedly know something isn't like right for us, but you keep overriding that knowing. That's the clearest sign, yeah, of lack of self-respect. We can often see it in small things like saying yes when you actually mean no. And then accepting behavior we've already said we're uncomfortable with. Okay, and then like making excuses for people who repeatedly cross our boundaries. Okay, and then like constantly needing other people's approval, and also like making ourselves smaller to keep someone else comfortable. There is also a sign of self-respect, as a lack of self-respect. Okay, then like ignoring our own needs because we're afraid of disappointing someone. That is also lack of self-respect. Yeah, and then also staying in situations that don't feel right because we're afraid of losing someone. That is also the sign of the lack of self-respect. And then interesting, uh interestingly, it doesn't always look like low confidence. That's I think the most like uh like people misunderstood about it. Yeah, someone can be successful, confident, articulate, and accomplice, and still have low self-respect in a particular area of their life. That's the interesting things, I think. Yeah, because once again, self-respect isn't really about how we present ourselves, it's about how we treat ourselves, especially when nobody's watching. That's for me a self-respect. Yeah, that's why I define it as self-respect is knowing your worth, setting our boundaries, and honoring them even when nobody's watching. So I think, yeah, that is the clearest sign why how people like lack of self-respect.

External Expectations And Losing Yourself

SPEAKER_01 9:06

Exactly. So also, like, how does someone start to notice that pattern in themselves? Like, especially if they have been lying. Not lying, I'd say, if they are with that situation the way for years. So what do you say?

SPEAKER_00 9:24

Yeah, I think people will like see that, yeah, they only like doing their life only like based on like because they the other expectation. It's not from inside their self that that they're telling them that, yeah, this is matters for you, this is important to you, and you should like cho choose this, even though probably it feels like more this not comfortable uncomfortable for you, okay, to choose that kind of choice there. Because yeah, I think that it's like, and then and then like nowadays like people like easy, yeah, easy to like choice something because then the other expectation from the outside, okay, the external factor of yourself. Because like, you know, yeah, probably people assume that you have to do it because it sounds good for you at that time, okay? Or like probably, probably you think that I think, yeah, you have to suppose to do that because I think, yeah, people will tell you that it's good for you. But you once again you forget to check on yourself, okay? Once again you check forget to check on yourself how what it is like, is it something that I won't truly choose? Just because, yeah, just because, yeah, I I I chose it consciously, and like this is matters for me, and it is and it's even though it's uncomfortable, yeah, probably to choose, yeah, and then to to have a courage to live it, but this is something that reflects my self-respect. This is something that reflects what my value. And it's something that reflects my own worth. And then it's something like this is like something that the boundaries that I have to set, yeah, to make this self-respect like more strength. And then like, and then when I chose it, I truly mean it, and also it's aligned with all of our value in our life, and it's all it's also reflect the life that we want to build. That I think, yeah, for me.

SPEAKER_01 11:18

Got it. So also, okay. So uh for daily life, if I have to say.

SPEAKER_00 11:36

Yeah, as I've told you before, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, as once again, because we think that self-respect, it it like it's more like dramatic, yeah. But yeah, it rarely looks dramatic. And then like probably from the outside, like it's not something that looks totally wrong. Yeah, totally wrong. That that is the trap, I think. Yeah, that is the trap because it really looks dramatic once again, yeah. Self-respect. It's like in the daily, in the daily, everyday life, yeah, it it it can like mean living a conversation instead of staying somewhere with been with being constantly disrespect. Something like that. Okay, it can mean going to once again, it's going to bet instead of answering one more email because we recognize that our body is not, yeah, once again, unlimited resource. Okay. So probably it means uh it can mean having a difficult conversation we've been avoiding. So those like are like it's like like regular, regular ordinary day, right? Like it's not like showing something that like dramatic and also like like a more like yeah, you know, like big from the outside. No, it's like, yeah, just like only like in the daily day, like this is when saying yes when you have to say no, and then when you want to choose this or do uh choose that, and then like it's it's you know, it's just like something that we do all the all the time in in everyday life, right? When to choose yes, when to say no, where or when you have to do I have to stay in this conversation or not? It's not something like ordinary, right? In the daily, in the daily basis. But yeah, that is when self-respect is like jump in, yeah, jump in into our life. And then it's like like and then like questioning again, yeah, all of the things that we already done all of these years. And then like, is it like something like respect reflecting our self-respect? And then like we're honoring, we're honoring them, even though probably when nobody's watching, probably it's not like always like in the relationship, probably also like in the quieter place in yourself than when you have to say yes and when you say no, probably it's as simply as if you if there's a text coming in your phone, yeah, and then like this is like some kind of like invitation from your friend, yeah. It's like we're not like having like you know, like a conversation with the others in in life, right? But it's just you know in our phone, but yeah, still, yeah, still, yeah. If we're like lacking our self-respect, it can be hard for you to to answer. Yeah, you you feel like you have to always say yes, but eventually, yeah, it's not always have yes. You have to you can always choose no if you mean it, if you want to choose no. So, yeah, once again, that is self-respect in a daily life in a daily basis. It's not looks dramatic. Yeah, it literally looks dramatic because yeah, it's always happen every day, day by day, and and then suddenly you are not like noticing it, and yeah, suddenly it makes you something, and if you always like continue doing it, yeah, without checking yourself first, and then like you don't do it consciously, yeah. Eventually it will become your operating system. And then like I think it will corrupt it yourself and then your your life that you built.

SPEAKER_01 14:52

Yeah. So and at the same time, like I mean, it it is such a kind of I'd say small recalibration, but it is not it it's also uh terrifying as well, because it means accepting that you have been the one giving yourself away, and it means deciding that you are worth and the discomfort of taking yourself seriously again. So if you say like in in terms of the reality, right? Life is messy, people relapse into the old patterns. So external pressures do not stop. So, how does someone maintain self-respect when everything around them is pulling them back towards who they

Holding Boundaries Through Discomfort

SPEAKER_01 15:36

used to be?

SPEAKER_00 15:36

Yeah, I think how that like pulling back the self-respect, yeah. Uh and then like, and probably it means like disappointing probably people around us, okay? And like, and then I think that's sometimes that's the price of putting the self-respect back to your life, okay? And I don't say that lightly because yeah, I don't think self-respect means we should simply do whatever we want regardless of how it affects other people, okay? Sure, we have responsibility, we have relationships, we have commitments, right? But there's a difference between considering other people's needs and outsourcing our entire life to their expectations. That's the distinctive idea. Sometimes we be disappointed because we made a healthy choice for ourselves. That's a fact, that's real, okay? And learning to tolerate someone else's disappointment is actually a form of emotional maturity. Okay, we can love someone deeply and still say no. That's maturity. We can care about someone's opinion without allowing their opinion to determine our life. I yeah, and I know that it's difficult, but I think that's part of growing up. So yeah, yes, choose self-respect other the other the expectation from the people, it will feel discomf uncomfortable and also disappointing someone, but yeah, again, that is the price.

One Practical Way To Start

SPEAKER_01 17:20

So if you have to give one advice to the listeners, what that will be.

SPEAKER_00 17:24

Yeah, I wouldn't probably I wouldn't tell them to completely reinvent their life, okay? I tell them to start noticing, notice what we repeatedly tolerate, okay? Notice where we keep saying yes when we mean no. And then notice which relationship leaves us feeling feeling smaller, and then notice what we keep doing even though we know it isn't aligned with what matters to us. And then also choose one thing to do differently. Because self-respect isn't built through one dramatic declaration once again, no, it's not. It's built through repetitive evidence that we can trust ourselves. We make a choice that respect ourselves, then we make another one and another again and again. So eventually those choices become a pattern, and that pattern becomes who you are in the future, who you are in the becoming. So be careful, yeah. When you have to choose something, you have to notice it for a while, and then you have to notice what you repeatedly tolerate, and then that is the pattern, and that it will become yours in the future.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

Exactly. Yeah.

Where To Find Kirana And Final Takeaway

SPEAKER_01 18:48

And if the listeners want to connect with you, how they can connect.

SPEAKER_00 18:52

Yeah, thank you so much for this wonderful opportunity. Yeah. You can access my website, Cheersfora Good Life.com. Yeah, basically, it's a home for my body of work. You can find my book there, Cheers for a Good Life. Yeah, my book is like telling something like this, yeah, this kind of conversation, self-respect, personal growth, and then also propose, meaningful relationship. That's what my books for. And then, like, you can also uh find my coaching practice there. I do coaching too, and my area of expertise is more like gaining clarity and also in the end making a better decision. Okay, and then uh you can find my writing, yeah, my honesty, my road thought, yeah, probably uh before it will become a book. And then also you can find my speaking engagement, yeah. You can book me for your seminar, webinar, workshop, or anything, yeah. So, yeah, that is basically, yeah, you can find all of the body of my work on CheersfortheGoodlife.com. Thank you. Amazing.

SPEAKER_01 19:57

So, dear listeners, what I'll do is I'll put all the links, details, everything into the show notes for your easy reference so that we can easily reach out to Kirana. And I'd say, like, if there is one thing to take with you from this conversation, dear listeners, like if there's everything you want to build in life, every relationship, every goal, every moment of peace, it depends on the quality of the foundation that you're building it on. So and and also at the same time, the foundation is. So thank you, Kirana, for sharing your perspective, being here. And dear listeners, like I'd say, like, if today's episode did something to you, then share it with someone who might need to hear it. Not because it's easy, but because it matters. And with this hope this is your host a week, and this has been My Meets Machine. Until next time, take care of your mind. Take care of the part of you that no one else sees. So thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 20:49

Thank you so much for having me once again. Thank you.